Personal. Why did I start this? Why did I want to do this? I asked myself these questions when I started this. It took me a long time to think of how I would present it. What format, what way I would show you my true colors. I think I have a format now. A way to present myself. The true self. Not the one you see and hear from me. Not the one you may talk to who usually keeps his emotions to himself. Well this is your chance to let you see the real me, what I really think about the world around us.
Scream. Yeah I would think picking up an autobiography chapter called Scream, I would think too that the kid’s got a problem. I think Scream is a good start to get things off my chest and to tell how I started my unpublished career as a writer. At the time of writing this I’m nearly 17 years old and have been through a lot of battles already. While my friends haven’t been thought them, I have already. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing for experience. I guess it is in some ways. Where should I start now, I‘m not too sure where to start. First thing to tell everyone is that I’m not going to start at the start of my life as I will tell you all in the other chapters.
The first chapter focus’s on where my life changed the most. It all started when I guess I went into foster care. That was the first time I was away from my mother. I really didn’t know what was going to happen to me. I was scared of who I was going to end up with. But my Nana made sure I was to be with a mummy, daddy and a doggie type of house. A nuclear family in simple words. What I ended up with was very good in the end. An older couple than I expected but they had the experience with children for a long time. Some funny things I remember, I didn’t like vegetables so that didn’t win me points at the new house. As time went by, I started to eat those vegetables and then started enjoying them. Although some vegetables are just disgusting to eat. I don’t eat the hard core meat because they keep moving around in my mouth forever and I hate the taste too. I do like the bacon, chicken, ham etc. The foster family I was with was called the Dax’s. I was there on and off for around three years, from my mum’s home to their home for that period. There were some interesting people I met while with the Dax’s. Both kids and adults I must say. Remember going to Youth Groups, Churches and seeing people. There were good people who showed their own ways of life.
Now you’re wondering why my parents couldn’t look after me? Well my mother was unfit and mentally unable to and my father didn’t know that this foster parenting had taken place. So things wasn’t going for me to place with my parents. I have been living with my mother all my life, my father for the first four years. My mother had been taking prescription drugs since she was 19 years old. There were three main pills she took that really had control over her life. These pills together made her very tired and sleepy sending her unable to work for days on end. She did try to get back up on her feet but her luck was the bad luck of a dozen men put together. She didn’t get a fair go at times. So that was her reason for being unfit. My father we couldn’t get in contact with. As much as my Nana and myself did, we ran out of luck. I couldn’t stay with my Nana because the family services found out my Nana’s bad heart. They believed it wasn’t best place for me to stay at.
My parents were the best I could ask for. Even though my dad wasn’t around during my childhood, My mum never putted him down. She said he was a great guy and a little man with a heart of gold. I wondered myself if I was to be short like my parents were. But Mum said I would be tall like my Uncle Paul her brother. He was a surfie when he was my age and did things that the normal teenager would get up to. Unlike myself who didn’t live the exciting life that the teenager did.
So now you’re wondering what’s there about to scream about. Well that part is just around the bend. You see most of my childhood was taken by looking after my mother and making sure she was ok to do things. This really destroyed my schoolwork in primary school. My speech ended up to be a half finished job and I had problems in most subjects without really knowing the damage myself until I went o high school. That how bad things were for me. I played musical houses with my foster family and my mum until… it ended.
The speech problem started when I couldn’t say a real sentence until the age of five years old. Now didn’t my school wise too. So there were many things against me. But after everything in my 14 years of life, I thought that mum and I have made it through the struggles. That’s what I thought…
August 17 th 2000, a day you would think would happen when you’re old and gray but like teenagers say, ‘Shit happens’. For the last few days, mum was having another bad time. When she didn’t take her pills and went like a zombie. Because the pills controlled her so much, going cold turkey was very bad for her to do. I remember she was at hospital complaining she was having a panic attack, this happened often as she was confused with the prescription drugs in her body for over 20 years. I wanted to go home to do better things then babysitting her. Now I look back, I feel such a selfish devil for doing so. I saw the pain in her eyes when I left her alone. She really looked lonely and scared when I left her alone.
Soon the day had come and really the day was pretty quiet. I was playing on my Nintendo, as it was my keeping sane machine. Worked real good at times. As the day passed on I was getting strange feeling about why mum wasn’t yelling out for some help. She wasn’t having any sleep for days so I thought to myself just to let her be. Even a week or so ago, mum left me with dad for a weekend so she could get herself together. He said to me, he didn’t feel right leaving me with her. Soon I got worried why it was so quiet, so I finally decided to go upstairs in the unit to find out. The door was had a crack open but not enough to get a good view of anything. I opened the door and walked in. She looked ok, she laid on her back quite still and with no pain. I went up to touch, instantly I knew what had happen.
Cold as ice she was. I quickly checked her breath… nothing. I screamed and panicked and ran downstairs to ring triple zero. They told me to do mouth to mouth, so I ran upstairs again, but I knew she was gone. Her mouth was ice cold and was impossible to open, so I ran downstairs again to see the officers walk inside, they walked upstairs to check on her. They knew that it was too late. They told me she had passed away, I just cried on the spot really. That’s why people didn’t see me cry later on, because I did it with her.
I was outside of the unit when the police came in to do their investigations about mum. I remember I was patting a cat then. Cats are amazing stress healers for me. Despite people saying how cats are bad, I love them. They always have been good to me.
Not long after everyone was walking around there talking and chatting. They somehow got my father to come to the unit. Must have been a number they found or something, We hugged and I was kinda blank thinking. Trying to think everything will be ok. They took Mum out to the long black car and putted her inside of it. I saw this good friend of Mum’s Steve. He was very smart guy. He was the only man who explained Mum’s drugs to me the best. He said the drugs themselves were bad enough but the use of them together was much worse. Because they strike each other in their bid to be affective. All of the neighbors were pretty upset about it. Mum and I were the longest tenets at the units ever. 10 years it was and our ruling was over…
There was a moment where I was a tad upset at. It was at Mum’s funeral where they played the song at the end. They ended up playing the wrong song. I thought to myself. “ Gee God, you didn’t give her a fair go to the final ending.” Well with Personal, one of theme songs is the song that was never played. It’s called Fly, you’ll heard it one day.
I didn’t really know what life would be like without her. But I wasn’t given a choice to do it. I lived with my father and my grandmother at their house in Caboolture. But for some months Dad and I were living with a friend of his. As the months passed, it was getting worse living. In simple words things didn’t work out. Living there wasn’t the best place to get over a death of someone. After we ended our game of musical houses, we stayed at Grandma’s house, as Dad was caring for her. A number of things went bad for Grandma and she couldn’t look after herself well then.
Despite living in Caboolture, I still traveled to Nambour and back for school. People said it was crazy and silly to do, but I wanted to do it because I wanted to round off the junior years from the senior years. My plan worked like a cham as I make some good friends in the last year of Burnside, so I finally got some respect from people who didn’t like me or gave me a pain in the back. Plus it was the year that I created my first novel. It first started out as a assignment story for my class in Year 10. It was about 20 pages long. I had gone over the assignment limit by 1500 words! I called the first novel, The Legend of Evermore. I did write novels in notebooks but with Evermore, I had more fun in doing it. I got really involved with the characters. I got it complete by November to December area. I gave a copy of it to some teachers at the school until I leave the school. It was sad to leave Burnside, but it wasn’t really the end of Burnside for me, I can always return to Burnside to see my friends.
The school holidays were the longest period of holidays I’ve ever had. Two months off was pretty good. I stayed with my older brother for Christmas, which was really good. It was different to have a family environment around for a change. We did all the Christmas things and had a good Christmas lunch and dinner. Plus I got to know most of them well which was a start I guess to knowing the family better. The other highlight was going to Canberra to see my uncle. I’ve been never passed the border of Queensland so to travel there was good. Planes are quite nice, as it was my first time. In Canberra I saw all the good places and found myself a camera to use. This was the time and place I created Writersmuster, half of the name thought of by my uncle.
Writersmuster was created to promote my novels and whatever else I would make for the people. My first member was a girl from China called Jade. She was a nice girl and was very happy with the new group. As the months passed on, Writersmuster began to be a base for not only myself but for other budding authors, poets and songwriters alike. I wanted to create a group that every liked and wanted to be a part of. 2002 was a good start for Writersmuster, despite the lack of aid and support of most of the members. But the message got through to some people, which was good.
The other thing that 2002 bring was the new school. After months of thinking I decided to go to Tullawong State High School . At first I didn’t like the rich type of feeling you got from the school. I meet a couple of good friends who aided me on making Writersmuster a success and one created a web site for the novels too. Even now looking at a nearly complete year at Tullawong. I’ve always had a funny feeling about it. It’s still a rich feeling to it. About how every student is supposed to a success and to be hard working. Well at lest things are running smoothly for me at the school.
After five years of my father looking after his mother. Grandma passed away at 81 years. She did better than my mum and she lived a good life. For me I didn’t really have a lot of feelings for her. Because I never got to know her well. I knew her only when she was in her bad years. It was all sad seeing other people that knew her over half a century. I guess one thing I want to do is to keep in contact with the family well. Too many family members have passed away that I never knew in the last 10 years.
Now I’m only a year from 18 years old. I do see the golden age as freedom. But in a very different limelight than other teenagers would see it as. Not a right to drink and party. I see it as a new beginning. A new start, a new life for me. I know my childhood wasn’t the best of all. I want to travel the world, see the people. Write books and write on anything. I just want a home to myself. I don’t want people telling me what to do and how life is supposed to be run. I know what adults do, I‘ve been a adult all my life…
But for now, I will step up next year to complete school forever, continue the success of Writersmuster and keeping sane I guess is important. I laugh at people when they say how do you keep going through the things I’ve been doing all my life and still manage to keep myself normal and stress free looking and not end up as an bitter twisted young man. I say I rely on music and writing to keep my stress at bay, it doesn’t destroy you like drugs do to people. I know myself now with still the problems that still exist,.. Freedom is finally around the corner…